I think that these five things will help keep my ah-ha moment alive. I think that having a turning point is good, but if you stop after you turn you are still in the same place. I need something that will keep me moving in a new direction. I want to do small (and some big) things that get and keep me moving in a healthy new direction. Over at Back in Skinny Jeans Stephanie has been talking about healing. Her site has been perfect for me recently. I feel like she is writing just what i need to hear. (Please check out how good her hair looks here. Sex kitten!!) Some of her post have come at a perfect point in my life. I’m working on healing my soul and this is what I’m doing.
One) I’m going to see a counselor. I know that blogging isn’t going to fix everything and I’m not able to do this on my own. I called the facility already and I should start receiving services. I was telling myself that I didn’t have the money for counseling. It is doing to make my budget tighter, but this is my health. I can’t imagine a better place to spend the money.
Two) I know that a lot of my self esteem issues steam from not being comfortable in my own skin. I found a diet that I’m really excited about. I will be working with a doctor to achieve that results I’m looking for. I’m excited that I will have a doctor to monitor me all the way through my weight loss. I have gotten all the information and will start the program on the next orientation date. (after I start I will write more about the program) Till then (and after) I will exercise three times a week. I know that isn’t much, but it is better then what I’m doing and I know that with baby steps changes will happen easier then if I commit myself to something that is way too much for me. I have also improved my eating habits. I’m not doing anything drastic… just slow consistent changes.
Three) I spend a lot of time in the past. I think of how my better I looked in high school… how perfect things were when Bob and I first started dating…etc. I also focus quite a bit on things that I regret or think I should have done differently. I shouldn’t have given up running when I was 19… I shouldn’t have slept with him… I really shouldn’t have dated him (eeekkk!!!) One the flip side, I also spend too much time dreaming about the future. I think about my wedding… where I want to live… where I want to work.
The problem is that I don’t spend a lot of time in the now. I dream of the future but am not planning for it. Also, I think that I’m spend so much time in la-la dream land and memory land that I don’t fully appreciate how wonderful the present is. My solution to this is starting a gratitude journal. I will write things that I’m currently grateful for. I think this will keep me positively focused on the now. I’m going to may gratitude a part of this blog too. I really want this site to be an up lifting place for healing.
Last night I wrote in my gratitude journal for the first time and it took all of 5 minutes… I can always find 5 minutes in my day.
Four) I will do at least one thing that makes me happy each and every day. These things will be small but consistent. Yesterday I had a picnic for lunch and took a bath. Today I’m going to paint my toenails. See nothing big… just small things to show myself I love myself. I think that if I show myself love I will become less dependent on others to show me love.
Five) I’m going to blog the process. I want to show what I’m doing to heal in hopes that someone else can find a road to healing. Also i think that working things out enough to write them really clarify whatever needs to be worked out. I’m hoping that this blog will be a good record of my healing.
The goal of all of this is to stop blaming others for my insecurities. I think that if I can make small consistent changes that I will be able to fully take responsibility for myself and my actions and my consequences for those actions, and then I will be able to fully heal. I feel very blessed that I have such a supportive boyfriend who is willing to stand by me while I grow. He is my biggest fan. All Bob could say when I told him what my action plan was for healing was “I’m so proud of you!!” I’m proud of myself too. =)
