Mapping the End

I’m starting counseling. Recently I hit a new low. This low point some changes in motion. One of the changes is that I’m going to start counseling. I have my first appointment coming up and before I can start therapy I need to fill out some new client forms. All the questions were easy and straight forward, no brainers (name, sex, ssn, etc.).

The last question is one that I’m having a hard time answering. “What do you hope to change or accomplish by seeking help at this time?” They are asking me for an end point and I just don’t know. This is a good question. You can’t evolve into who you want to be if you don’t know who you want to be. The counselor and I can’t map out an action plan if there is no end goal. I’m excited to do some exploration and come up with an end goal. I’m glad that I have till Mid August before my first appointment because it gives me time to really evaluate who I want to be. I think the more clear my end point is the more likely I am to reach it.

I will share my answer once I write it.

Real Conversation From Last Night

“He is so cute”

“You don’t have to pretend that you like babies.”

“I don’t like babies, but yours doesn’t look like an alien.”

Last night I wasn’t sure I wanted to hold my friends baby. After seeing this quilt cover and pillowcase I want my own

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Doing

Things that have taken up too much time this week:

Blocky2: a game where you try to make the grumpy blocks smile. It is very addicting.

The Office: I have been watching in instantly on Netflix. I’m only mid season 3 and the Pam/Jim story line is killing me. Won’t they hook up already!

Fall Semester: I have spent way longer then I thought I would searching for the best price book. I finally got most the books from Half.com and the other one I’m waiting on. I’m on the wait list for the class, so I don’t want to spend the money on the book till I know I’m in. Also I decided to sell some old text books online, hopefully what I make selling the books will pay for what I got. I think this is a better option then selling them back to the bookstore.

iPhone: I want one and I won’t stop researching and reading about them till I have one. Like did you know that iPhone will do price checks when you are out shopping? Or the 3G can already be unlocked?  I know that I’m late on the apple bandwagon. But after being PC for so long… I’ve been hesitant about changing anything over to apple, but I’m ready to take the plunge.

101 in 1001: I almost forgot about my list. This week I have made plans to cross some of the things off my list so next week I can report back on my progress.

Another Reason I Need an iPhone

I told a friend I couldn’t make plans with him because my planner wouldn’t fix in the purse that went with my outfit.

Five things I’m Doing to Heal my Soul

I think that these five things will help keep my ah-ha moment alive. I think that having a turning point is good, but if you stop after you turn you are still in the same place. I need something that will keep me moving in a new direction. I want to do small (and some big) things that get and keep me moving in a healthy new direction. Over at Back in Skinny Jeans Stephanie has been talking about healing. Her site has been perfect for me recently. I feel like she is writing just what i need to hear. (Please check out how good her hair looks here. Sex kitten!!) Some of her post have come at a perfect point in my life. I’m working on healing my soul and this is what I’m doing.

One) I’m going to see a counselor. I know that blogging isn’t going to fix everything and I’m not able to do this on my own. I called the facility already and I should start receiving services. I was telling myself that I didn’t have the money for counseling. It is doing to make my budget tighter, but this is my health. I can’t imagine a better place to spend the money.

Two) I know that a lot of my self esteem issues steam from not being comfortable in my own skin. I found a diet that I’m really excited about. I will be working with a doctor to achieve that results I’m looking for. I’m excited that I will have a doctor to monitor me all the way through my weight loss. I have gotten all the information and will start the program on the next orientation date. (after I start I will write more about the program) Till then (and after) I will exercise three times a week. I know that isn’t much, but it is better then what I’m doing and I know that with baby steps changes will happen easier then if I commit myself to something that is way too much for me. I have also improved my eating habits. I’m not doing anything drastic… just slow consistent changes.

Three) I spend a lot of time in the past. I think of how my better I looked in high school… how perfect things were when Bob and I first started dating…etc. I also focus quite a bit on things that I regret or think I should have done differently. I shouldn’t have given up running when I was 19… I shouldn’t have slept with him… I really shouldn’t have dated him (eeekkk!!!) One the flip side, I also spend too much time dreaming about the future. I think about my wedding… where I want to live… where I want to work.

The problem is that I don’t spend a lot of time in the now. I dream of the future but am not planning for it. Also, I think that I’m spend so much time in la-la dream land and memory land that I don’t fully appreciate how wonderful the present is. My solution to this is starting a gratitude journal. I will write things that I’m currently grateful for. I think this will keep me positively focused on the now. I’m going to may gratitude a part of this blog too. I really want this site to be an up lifting place for healing.

Last night I wrote in my gratitude journal for the first time and it took all of 5 minutes… I can always find 5 minutes in my day.

Four) I will do at least one thing that makes me happy each and every day. These things will be small but consistent. Yesterday I had a picnic for lunch and took a bath. Today I’m going to paint my toenails. See nothing big… just small things to show myself I love myself. I think that if I show myself love I will become less dependent on others to show me love.

Five) I’m going to blog the process. I want to show what I’m doing to heal in hopes that someone else can find a road to healing. Also i think that working things out enough to write them really clarify whatever needs to be worked out. I’m hoping that this blog will be a good record of my healing.

The goal of all of this is to stop blaming others for my insecurities. I think that if I can make small consistent changes that I will be able to fully take responsibility for myself and my actions and my consequences for those actions, and then I will be able to fully heal. I feel very blessed that I have such a supportive boyfriend who is willing to stand by me while I grow. He is my biggest fan. All Bob could say when I told him what my action plan was for healing was “I’m so proud of you!!” I’m proud of myself too. =)

Ah-ha!!!

Yesterday I had an ah-ha moment. I call myself a feminist and for the most part I believe it. But it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized I wasn’t buying it for myself.

I grew thinking that I would meet someone, fall in love, they would ask me to marry them, we would throw a huge party where I would get to wear a perfect dress, and we would live happily ever after. In my thinking the man would save me and fix me, and that would allow us to live happily ever after.

I’m a little embarrassed to admit some of my thoughts, but I have to acknowledge where I was to fully explain my ah-ha moment. I would have thoughts like: “Once I know that Bob REALLY loves me then I will be able to loose my extra weight.” or “The reason I have low self esteem is because Bob doesn’t do enough to show me I’m attractive.” or “The reason I’m fat is because my mom referenced my weight issue while I was growing up.”

Now I have never been an idiot. I know that I’m not over weight because of any one but me. And I know that my self esteem issues are caused by lack of confidence and not Bob not telling me I’m hot enough. But, it is so easy to give up responsibility and assign blame to someone else.

Blaming Bob for all of my insecurities and all the issues in our relationship started to backfire on me. When I moved out, yes Bob retreated within himself a bit. The real issue is that I was scared. When I moved out I pushed Bob away. I started to blame him for more and more… and finally I completely pushed him away. I broke up with him.

While I was crying and thinking about why I really broke up with him, I realized that most (like 99%) were my issues and things that I could fix. Things I was blaming Bob for because I wasn’t ready to take responsibility for my emotions and my mental health. I realized that I had pushed him away because I was selfish and didn’t want to admit I was wrong. I was the one with the issues. He wasn’t pushing me away even though I had issues and was assigning him the blame. He wasn’t the one who broke up with me, I was the one. I realized that I had to take responsibility.

I’m in charge of my happiness… not Bob, or anyone else for that matter.

It occurred to me I was living having others define myself worth and not defining it myself. Ah-ha! I need to learn how to make myself truly happy and find joy with or without someone. I’m taking steps to do this some are small and some are not small. Bob was thrilled to hear that I have come to this understanding. I’m lucky that Bob is so forgiving and willing to stand by me as I figure this all out.

Tomorrow I’m going to talk about what steps I’m taking to heal emotionally and mentally. I think that the ah-ha moment is good but steps need to be taken so i don’t forget my ah-ha moment.